Six months…

Six months is all it took…

Six months of you pursuing me relentlessly. Six months of you convincing me I could trust you. Six months of me opening up to you more and more each day. Six months of me confiding in you. Six months of you showering me with compliments. Six months of you making me feel special and needed. Six months of you telling me I was beautiful. Six months of me telling you things about me that I haven’t shared with any other person. Six months of you telling me that you loved me. Six months of me falling for you. Six months of convincing myself that I loved you too.

Six months is all it took…

Six months of me questioning everything about myself that I already thought I knew. Six months of me doubting things I spent years trying to build. Six months of me fighting a losing battle of emotions between what was the right and wrong thing to do. Six months of torturous nights as I tried so desperately to fall asleep but couldn’t because of thinking about you. Six months of overthinking every little word and its meaning. Six months of hanging on to every single word you said. Six months of a dulling pain that was lulling in my chest.

Six months is all it took…

Six months worth of feelings poured down the drain. Six months worth of love and pain and anguish and despair coming to a head. Six months worth of dreams and empty promises that were never going to be fulfilled. Six months worth of feeling vulnerable and exposed and used. Six months worth of manipulation. Six months worth of time is all it took. 

Here’s to the next six….

xoTHT

When routine bites hard…

Every time you feel like you’re on the brink of falling into a comfortable and seemingly monotonous pattern something extraordinary tends to happen…

You begin to see someone differently as though you have a new set of eyes and suddenly, you feel alive again. All at once you are overcome and empowered by the wealth of this new feeling. It excites you and frightens you in equal measure. Sometimes words cannot describe the feeling nor do it enough justice.

You just know you have this burning desire to embrace it and throw caution to the wind. You no longer tread with care but rather you pad barefoot along the ground, running to wherever it may take you. It’s easy to let go when you know how.

The funny thing about letting go though is the discarding of things and perhaps people that too once meant so much. It’s a strange and unnerving feeling to suddenly be able to cast those things aside that have now been devalued or replaced by this new and exciting lease of life in you that you’ve found. It’s both a courageous and incredibly risky decision. 

On one hand, the decision to let the things and people go might be exactly the right thing to do. The right time, perhaps to let go of elements of the past that no longer ignite the fuel you need to keep that fire alive. Perhaps they are in fact what hold you back.

On the other hand, we have a tendency to crave what’s familiar to us and in doing so we can create a bad habit of falling in to a boring routine. That familiar thing thus loses its ability to be new and exciting as it once was.

Questioning whether or not you should let someone or something go may shake the very foundations of beliefs and hopes that you once held so dear to your own heart. Whatever happens it will change you. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes it makes you harder. Whatever path you find yourself on in this new found feeling I can guarantee will leave an imprint on your very soul.
xoTHT

Limerence

I couldn’t sleep last night. I feel like my heart has been ripped apart. I couldn’t eat this morning when I woke up. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m on the verge of tears. The rain has been pounding on my bedroom window since late last night and all I want to do is cry along with the falling droplets. 

I couldn’t text you. I want to speak to you so badly but I don’t have any words that would do the conversation justice. I keep praying that this feeling will pass but the more I push you away the more I want you. I keep reading stories upon stories about people who have been in similar situations but none of them seem to truly capture the depth of feeling I have for you. You feel like much more than an infatuation that will pass with time. I try to convince myself to be realistic and look at it from all angles but giving my current heartache that’s easier said than done. 

We all want a chance at being truly happy. I’ve never even considered myself unhappy and still don’t in many ways but right now I feel happiest when I speak to you. Not hearing from you suddenly makes me unhappy. I can’t see past you. You make me grin like a maniac and laugh like a child. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to take care of you because you deserve someone to always be there for you. You make me feel safe. You make me think of a future that I feared I may never have. I see late nights and early mornings with you as my lover and the father of my children. I see a couple of gorgeous kids running around us. I picture a beautiful little boy with your eye colour and the same wicked smile as you and a little girl with my eyes paired with your dimples. The picture is so vivid in my mind that I feel myself tearing up again at the thought. 

I can’t concentrate at work because I spend all day checking to see whether or not you are online on my phone. I can make up an excuse to speak to you or have you call me so I can hear your voice. I have become obsessed and needy and I hate myself for it. I can’t find any flaw or fault in you yet and I know that’s unnatural. Everyone has them but I love you so much that I look past them all. I know in time realistically that would fade…I just hope that this feeling will pass soon before it consumes me….

xoTHT

Sia – Elastic Heart music video review

Sia – elastic heart

Wow. First and foremost I’d like to take the time to point out and acknowledge how refreshing it is for an artist producing popular music these days to really push the boundaries and make an exciting, evocative and heartfelt performance video which captures the very essence of the theme of the song.

There is a lack of people out there willing to really put forth an artistic expression when it comes to their music videos and I would like to say I found the entire experience of watching the video for the first time a mix of stark excitement and then emotional liberation.

The abilities of both Maddie and Shia in their performances are remarkable. The pure emotion etched on their faces as well as the actual stamina and manoeuvres and the chosen attire all work in perfect harmony to create an unforgettable collage of art in its finest and purest form.

After digging around for some research on the video I couldn’t help but stumble across tonnes of negative and controversial stories surrounding the video and the decision to have an older male paired with a younger female and comments about clothing choice etc.

All I can say is that I am exceptionally disappointed that so many people were quick to jump in and corrupt something that for all intensive purposes seems pure and genuinely innocent. There are far worse videos portraying vulgar, unnecessary flaunting and dehumanising images of woman and young girls out there and they are watched and enjoyed by millions of viewers on a daily basis.

Maybe the controversy was indeed a prejudice against the decision to opt for someone such as Shia to play the role. It’s a known fact he has battled some negative publicity and press in both his personal and professional life over the last few years. That by no means makes him any less viable to have been offered the role than any other star out there. Shia’s method acting and commitment make him so versatile and convincing that it would be a challenge in itself to find any other male star out there diverse enough to be able to beat his outstanding performance. If anything it has simply reaffirmed my belief that he is an incredibly talented individual with a vast variety of skills and capabilities just waiting to be explored.

Sia should be proud as a musician and artist that she has successfully accomplished a memorable and remarkable video to accompany a song that’s lyrics are laden with very cleverly worded truths. The metaphor and imagery construed through out make her stand out from the mundane run of the mill chart toppers and will hopefully increase her fan base.

As with the success of ‘chandelier’ – I eagerly wait in anticipation and excitement and look forward to see what else she comes up with next.

xoTHT

Blogging is taking over my life…

Blogging is taking over my life…

It’s true. Up until recently my nights were spent playing xbox and trying to finish my first novel. Now, every lunch break and evening I find myself glued to the tiny screen of my mobile as I furiously punch at the touch screen letters.

My mind has always been filled with deliciously glorious anecdotes and opinions that I never really felt fitted in anywhere specific. My imagination has always meant I could write a good story or two but life is not fiction.

My wandering mind mixed heavily with awash of new feelings and emotions led me to the discovery of a new and accessible outlet. After some random hits on a search engine I discovered the solution to my restless mind. Blogging.

Blogging enables me to chart my feelings and thoughts no matter how fleeting they may first appear. It allows me to practise my sentencing structure and play on words. It helps me in developing a healthy understanding and expansion of certain words and vocabulary that I may otherwise never have used. It allows me to share an opinion without a biased response from a loved one.

Blogging allows me to think freely for myself and write whatever topic I chose. There are no boundaries as to what I can and cannot say. The opinions and expressions are solely my own. It helps me embrace and deal with inner thoughts and feelings that for the most part I would usually keep hidden. It permits me to be as honest and controversial as I see fit. It makes me feel more human all the while documenting a string of little messages that I can one day look back on and hopefully recall exactly how I felt and what I was thinking at that specific time.

I love blogging. I’ve grown to love it. It feels liberating and inspires me to hopefully become a better writer.

xoTHT

To a friend…

In the shortest amount of time I have gone from being a content individual to an energetic and mischievous Madame with a lust for life again. I owe it in part to a recent acquaintance….

To the man I hugged goodbye last weekend…

You actually make my heart race with excitement whenever I hear from you. You have this way of making me feel super happy or connected or just alive. There’s something darker about you that I think you try very hard to suppress but all I want to do is find it and help you with it. We click. Yes we’re flirty and we like all the same things. We have so much in common its scary. You know how to make me laugh and how to drive me mad in equal measure. You’re intelligent and charming and such a sweet talker that it’s both very enthralling and enticing. I can’t stop thinking about you…

A friendship between us could be beautiful if you would give us a chance to really get to know one another. I think we could help each other out. You have a great understanding and sympathetic streak that makes it easy for me to confide in you. I only wish you would do the same. My biggest fear is that knowing you will always leave me wanting more.

The temptation of pursuing more from you is a path that I have no intention of going down. We are both happily taken yet without you in my life it feels like a part is missing. As long as we keep our hands to ourselves our minds are free to travel to whatever alluring places we can conjure up. I think we could be destined for great things…

Yours Sincerely

A girl consumed and plagued with so many worries and fears of getting older and settling for less than her heart desires that she likes to write great long ramblings about how complicated her life seems in order to deal with her emotional overload.

xoTHT

Under the influence…

Sometimes it feels like every time I get particularly close with someone they disappear…

When I was young, my best friend had to move with his parents to the other side of the continent. It broke my heart. I spent weeks crying about it at night all alone in my bed. There wasn’t the same technology back then to enable me to keep in touch with him so we inevitably grew apart and in fact lost all contact. I still think about him to this day. Im always wondering what became of him and what he is up to.

Fast forward to my college days. My flat mate became like a brother to me. We were thick as thieves and would do anything for one another. He was very much my ‘go to’ guy for everything and anything. The dynamics of our boy/girl friendship baffled our nearest and dearest and the complication of having to constantly justify that we were no more than friends cost us dearly. My flat mate’s girlfriend ‘disproved’ of our closeness and asked for me to leave the flat. Out of love and respect for him I did as she asked, never admitting to him that she had been the reason for my sudden change of heart. Again, as time passed we grew apart. I haven’t spoken to him in many years.

More recently I’ve began to grow close to several other people. My biggest fear is losing them like I have so many other significant friends from the past. On the flip side quite often friends from years ago that you could be doing with breaking away from are always sticking around. It’s hard to let go once routine and familiarity take hold. These thoughts have only gone and brought back so much memories from the past about all the great people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and sharing experiences with.

I will never forget the guys who shaped me into becoming the person I am today.

I hope wherever you all are or end up that it brings you happiness. Maybe there are times when you will stop for a second and reminisce about me as I have done you. People will forever fascinate me…

xoTHT

Let it go…

This is not a testament to the catchy song from the hit Disney film ‘Frozen’ but rather a lesson learned. I would never consider myself a quitter. I’ve never believed in giving up either. I do however, hold one trait dear to my heart. The art of letting go…

The stark difference between letting go and giving up is crystal clear. In order to let go of something you must have at least attempted to make it work. Whether it be a passion a dream or a friendship or lover we all know the level of work required to maintain that said activity can at times be difficult. You should always ensure you give something your all before throwing the towel in.

Letting go is not the same as giving up. Letting go proves you are a bigger person in the long run. You cannot force a person to change but you can become a better person yourself for embracing change. Change is a good thing. Change is an inevitable part of living. Not all changes are necessarily for the better but they are mandatory. The quicker you learn to deal with change the stronger and more positive your out look will become.

If someone hurts you, forgive them. If a friend betrays you learn from it. Try not to stay bitter or seek revenge. Learn that if someone hurts you several times that that person is no good for you and should be left in your past. Letting go of them does not mean that you gave up on that person. It simply means you are now embracing a healthy change and moving forward with your own life. Value your own self worth. Do not seek to put down others or become arrogant but be consciously aware of the effect another person can have on you.

Meeting and engaging with other individuals should always aim to bring out the very best in you. If someone makes you feel down or you worry too much when you are around them then perhaps you need to realise that they aren’t worth giving your time to. Let go of what makes you overly anxious or sad. Face your fears. Conquer your hopes and dreams. Tell the ones who make you laugh and smile how special they are. Never be afraid to be happy. Happiness is the key to success. If you can learn to be happy, you can channel that in to almost every other part of your life.

Let it go….

xoTHT

The Daily Grind…

Having spent a good stint of my life working for the ‘man’ it’s become apparent that not all is quite what it seems…

After years of slaving away in tiring and tedious jobs that pay little cash and leave you feeling exhausted and under appreciated I had decided to set my sights on a more substantial ‘career’. ‘Career’ being the optimum word. The transition between the meaning of a ‘job’ and a ‘career’ had never been quite so apparent until lately.

As a youngster all I had ever dreamed about was living a lifestyle that freed me from having to punch in the dreaded 9-5 working pattern that I knew all of my friends and family were destined for. I had high hopes and expectations for a career in writing or music only to have the harsh reality of a family crisis knock them thoughts from under me.

Bills were to be paid and I knew only too well that I could no longer be so picky about what I wanted to do. I needed money and my personal feelings on the matter were no longer a priority. My family needed me and I was responsible for making sure we had enough money in aid to our survival.

Desperate for the much needed extra cash, I had resorted to taking the first job that came my way. Money was money. All the odd and necessary underhanded things you had to do because nobody else really wanted to do them. Sure I never had to resort to extremities such as prostitution or drug dealing. This is a shout out to all the Fast food workers, home carers, factory workers and anyone else currently stuck in a line of work dubbed as a ‘job’.

Nobody ever really speaks about having a ‘career’ in the fast food industry when they are slinging burgers at Burger King. The stereotype attributed to that mentality has always left me feeling somewhat inadequate in the big bad world. I never understood the pressures one would have to face in order to be taken seriously. A world where you aren’t deemed significant enough simply because you don’t hold a specific set of qualifications or work in a ‘respectable’ environment. Because you don’t have a ‘Career’.

I never dreamed I would succumb to the pressure of feeling that a ‘job’ was beneath me and as such I went in search of a said ‘career’.

I began working for a company where the employees could enjoy perks such as a guaranteed income, bonus payments, holiday entitlement as well as the possibility of promotion. Starting at the lower end of the chain in the financial sector I slowly but surely made my way through the ranks. The added benefit of my high pressured career was the constant reminder from friends and family that I was now in a respectable position and in all fairness much more people were willing to take me more seriously.

The drawback…I found myself stuck in a ‘job’ that felt no different to the ones I had undertaken in previous years. Everyone I worked with was so self-involved and unkind. I watched myself become someone that in my heart of hearts I no longer recognised. The falseness and the fake smile I plastered on to disguise my true feelings had become part of my day to day routine. My insides were torn between loyalty to what I believed was the right thing to do and what was expected of me as a now ‘professional’ person.

I wanted to socialise with my friends, I wanted to write and dream big. Instead I slugged away endlessly to meet deadlines and targets to an institution that didn’t consider me anything other than a number.

Want to know what the sad thing is? I’m still there today…

I’m currently sat at my shitty 9-5 job pretending to punch in details for a customers account while writing this blog. Although my heart may not be in my current job it’s still paying the bills. It’s also allowing me to save up enough extra cash to one day be able to publish the novel I have been working on and take part in doing the things I love. It will hopefully be the inspiration I need to get me up and out of the mundaneness that is the standard day to day job and into something I crave.

The point I want to make is don’t ever lose sight of who you are. As difficult as it may seem to not get swallowed up by the commercial and incessant need to become an established ‘Career Professional’
DO NOT BUY IN. You are who you are because of the thoughts in your head and the desires in your heart, not the clothing you wear or the line of work you’re in. However you make you’re money, know that it will not buy you love or happiness. Allow yourself to remain in control of what you truly believe you are capable of. They say good things come to those who wait…

xoTHT

The Meaning Of Life…Passion

I’ve always had a longing for intelligent and meaningful conversation…the human mind fascinates me profusely.

I like to really get to know someone not in a nosey sense but simply to establish a much more deeper understanding and appreciation of how that person came to be who they are known as today.

In my thirty years, nothing has catapulted my hopes and fears in to touch quite as much as this last one and now I truly appreciate life for what it is.

Life is a beautiful, ever-changing and wondrous learning curve that will knock you on your ass and sweep you off your feet all in the same breath. Just as you think you know everything, the rug will be pulled from beneath you and you will come crashing down. When you’re feeling like you’ve lost all hope and are struggling to find your way out of the darkness, a warm light will pierce the veil and reaffirm any feelings of doubt you once had.

That’s why I find myself so passionate about art and music. The ability to express one’s self in another format beyond words is a true talent. Therein lays the sheerness of expression and a coping mechanism for trying to make sense of a bombardment of emotions that our mind can often become consumed with.

The ability to freely express what many others will relate to or simply not understand is liberating. There is no right or wrong when it comes to art. It’s simply one person’s perspective about a particular subject or feeling being transformed in to an accessible outlet for others to enjoy and interpret as they see fit.

xoTHT